That's right folks, yours truly is going to give you the solutions to all the ills that plague us, and I'm going to do it simply, effectively, and cost-efficiently. Then, I'll tell you why my practical solutions will never see the light of day. Ready?
Problem #1: Illegal Immigration. Conservative types love to spout off at illegal immigrants, and will miss no opportunity to hitch onto whatever is happening in the news and somehow contrive a way to make it the fault of illegal immigrants. The most recent example is this swine flu thing. Apparently, according to the fringe right wing hacks, Mexicans have deliberately and knowingly brought swine flu to the U.S. when they came here illegally. Bad enough they steal all our jobs, now they want to kill us. Not paranoid enough for you? Try this one: allegedly al Qaeda manufactured this latest epidemic of swine flu (in their super-secret chemical labs, hidden deep in the mountainside caves of Afghanistan). Then, instead of using one of a million possible ways to import it directly into the United States, they chose instead to infect Mexicans (with whom they have no quarrel, incidentally), knowing that they would, in turn, sneak into America and infect the lot of us.
Solution #1: Jail Time for Employers, Not Employees: Okay, so if we are going to address illegal immigration in this country, we need to go after the two things we know the immigrants do: work and sleep. Despite what you may have been told, they don't tunnel under our border fences and emerge, only to immediately give birth to babies, collect food stamps and welfare. We know they get jobs, and we know that without jobs available to them, they'd have very little reason to come here. In the drug trade, law enforcement is much more interested in nabbing the dealers than the buyers. We simply apply the same rationale here. So, we pass a law. Any company that is found to have illegal immigrants in their employ, they're the new targets of law enforcement. Any business, from your local restaurant all the way up to Wal-Mart, the owners, presidents, chairmen of the board, get sentenced to 30 days in a federal prison for each illegal immigrant they hire. No fines, no community service – go directly to jail. Imagine seeing the owner of Wal-Mart taken away in shackles, live on CNN. Watch how quickly employers would then start insisting on documentation for their employees.
Solution #2: Jail Time for Landlords Who Rent to Illegals: The second part of the solution has to do with where they stay. In most cases, they live in apartments, and those apartments are being rented out by landlords. So, we get law enforcement to go after the landlords. We make them responsible for who rents their apartments, pure and simple. If an illegal immigrant is found to be residing in an apartment (whether they're on the lease of not), the landlords or owners spend 30 days in federal prison for each illegal found there.
Why it will never happen: My solutions sidestep the notion of fining the companies. Most of the bigger companies keep tons of cash in reserve for such legal issues and would not be deterred by fines. Or if they are fined out of existence (like a restaurant), another similar business would just come along and take its place, likely hiring the same batch of illegal immigrants. No, fines are not the solution. Take some of the seven-figure salaried elites and put them in general population for a few weeks, see if that changes their perspective. But we all know even if such legislation passed, it would be rotted with loopholes that would allow their lawyers to get exceptions in almost every case, making the law moot. Besides, these business owners are known for making contributions to candidates at election time, and money talks. Even if they don't donate to the candidate directly, they can still pump lots of money into both major political parties, pretty much ensuring that whoever gets elected will remember who got them there. If I sound cynical, it’s because I am. I believe that when big business and government get together, the one thing you can count on is the average American getting screwed. Unless you own their stock, most companies will not do anything to acquiesce to your demands. Don’t like Wal-Mart’s policies? Shop somewhere else, it’s a free country. Don’t like the fact that Candidate “A” gets his ass kissed by big business? Okay then, vote for Candidate “B”. But don’t fool yourself for a second into thinking that it makes a difference to Big Business. They have both bases covered.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Next topic? Comment on this blog with your suggestions.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Throw The Bums Out
President Obama has asked for (and received) the resignation of GM's CEO, Rick Wagoner. Of course, the Anti-Anything-Obama crowd has wasted no time crying "Socialism" and lamenting the President's abuse of power. They fear for those poor unfortunate millionaires, and speculate as to who's going to be next.
For myself, I can't imagine why I'd feel too badly about what's happened. There is an axiom in the business world that whoever is paying the bills is the one in charge. "If you want to know who's in charge, follow the money." Think about it this way: if you go to a restaurant and order something, you have the right to request that the kitchen prepare it in a certain way for you. After all, they can assume you'll pay the bill when it comes due, and this entitles you to a little pampering. No ice in your drink? Steak well done? Dressing on the side? These are not foreign concepts to us. However if you found yourself in a line at a soup kitchem where the soup was free, you might think twice about being high maintenance.
The truth is, our government has given billions to the auto industry for decades, and when we ask them to toughen up their emissions for the sake of the environment, they whine like little bitches. When we ask them to improve the gas mileage to help the average American, they whine like little bitches. When we pass legislation giving the cars more stringent safety requirement to protect the passengers, they whine like little bitches. And so it goes. They have forgotten the debt they owe to the government for all the money, all the tax breaks, all the preferential treatment. They act with an overblown sense of entitlement, pay their elite exhorbitant salaries, and whine like little bitches when the UAW members want to make enough money to do such uppity things as own their own homes or send their kids to college.
But now, and for the next four to eight years, there is a President who is calling their tab. We have a President who did not grow up rich. We have a leader who had to go and earn everything he has, and the mindsets of the corporate elite are unknown to him. For someone with a work ethic, the pampered elite do not elicit much sympathy. The worst possible thing that could have happened to Detroit's leaders has come to pass: a leader who understands the concept of paying one's dues and being held accountable.
I hope he fires the lot of them. I hope he appoints Al Gore as auto industry czar, and Michael Moore as assistant. I hope Executive orders fall on Detroit like snowflakes, demanding quality vehicles. I hope the Obama Administration grabs the Big Three by the short and curlies and twists, by God. I wish to see the end of Business As Usual in Detroit. I hope we can say goodbye to the Age of the Oversized Gas Guzzlers.
And I don't really care how much gas costs. Two dollars a gallon, four dollars a gallon, even twenty dollars - it shouldn't matter. What should matter is that we take significant steps to wean ourselves off of this oil addiction that has gripped us for years. What is important is that we pollute less. What is important is that Americans have the option of quality affordable cars that are safe and that last. For years, Detroit has plugged its fingers squarely in its ears and drowned out all the good ideas taken up by foreign car makers. America prides itself on inventing the car (we didn't actually, but you can look it up yourself). We pat ourselves on the back for our innovation and ingenuity, and as soon as someone suggests that American carmakers could be more competitive globally if they made smaller cars, more hybrid and alternative fuel cars, well we just can't shut them up fast enough, can we?
The point: For decades the government has doled out millions and billions to the American auto industry to keep it afloat. When given the options, the suggestions, the requests to innovate they have dragged their heels. In recent years we have seen companies like Honda and Toyota eclipse American companies. Now Fords, GM's and Chryslers are no longer the best-selling, or even the best made care in the world. In order to regain their competitive edge in the global marketplace, these companies will either have to kowtow to the Administration's demands or find another financial teat to suckle. It is fitting that President Obama has called their tab and fired Rick Wagoner. It should serve as a notice to other CEO fat cats: this is the dawning of a new day, and if you're not on board, there is no room for you here. As an American I am proud that this has happened.
For myself, I can't imagine why I'd feel too badly about what's happened. There is an axiom in the business world that whoever is paying the bills is the one in charge. "If you want to know who's in charge, follow the money." Think about it this way: if you go to a restaurant and order something, you have the right to request that the kitchen prepare it in a certain way for you. After all, they can assume you'll pay the bill when it comes due, and this entitles you to a little pampering. No ice in your drink? Steak well done? Dressing on the side? These are not foreign concepts to us. However if you found yourself in a line at a soup kitchem where the soup was free, you might think twice about being high maintenance.
The truth is, our government has given billions to the auto industry for decades, and when we ask them to toughen up their emissions for the sake of the environment, they whine like little bitches. When we ask them to improve the gas mileage to help the average American, they whine like little bitches. When we pass legislation giving the cars more stringent safety requirement to protect the passengers, they whine like little bitches. And so it goes. They have forgotten the debt they owe to the government for all the money, all the tax breaks, all the preferential treatment. They act with an overblown sense of entitlement, pay their elite exhorbitant salaries, and whine like little bitches when the UAW members want to make enough money to do such uppity things as own their own homes or send their kids to college.
But now, and for the next four to eight years, there is a President who is calling their tab. We have a President who did not grow up rich. We have a leader who had to go and earn everything he has, and the mindsets of the corporate elite are unknown to him. For someone with a work ethic, the pampered elite do not elicit much sympathy. The worst possible thing that could have happened to Detroit's leaders has come to pass: a leader who understands the concept of paying one's dues and being held accountable.
I hope he fires the lot of them. I hope he appoints Al Gore as auto industry czar, and Michael Moore as assistant. I hope Executive orders fall on Detroit like snowflakes, demanding quality vehicles. I hope the Obama Administration grabs the Big Three by the short and curlies and twists, by God. I wish to see the end of Business As Usual in Detroit. I hope we can say goodbye to the Age of the Oversized Gas Guzzlers.
And I don't really care how much gas costs. Two dollars a gallon, four dollars a gallon, even twenty dollars - it shouldn't matter. What should matter is that we take significant steps to wean ourselves off of this oil addiction that has gripped us for years. What is important is that we pollute less. What is important is that Americans have the option of quality affordable cars that are safe and that last. For years, Detroit has plugged its fingers squarely in its ears and drowned out all the good ideas taken up by foreign car makers. America prides itself on inventing the car (we didn't actually, but you can look it up yourself). We pat ourselves on the back for our innovation and ingenuity, and as soon as someone suggests that American carmakers could be more competitive globally if they made smaller cars, more hybrid and alternative fuel cars, well we just can't shut them up fast enough, can we?
The point: For decades the government has doled out millions and billions to the American auto industry to keep it afloat. When given the options, the suggestions, the requests to innovate they have dragged their heels. In recent years we have seen companies like Honda and Toyota eclipse American companies. Now Fords, GM's and Chryslers are no longer the best-selling, or even the best made care in the world. In order to regain their competitive edge in the global marketplace, these companies will either have to kowtow to the Administration's demands or find another financial teat to suckle. It is fitting that President Obama has called their tab and fired Rick Wagoner. It should serve as a notice to other CEO fat cats: this is the dawning of a new day, and if you're not on board, there is no room for you here. As an American I am proud that this has happened.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
AIG, blah blah blah
Oh so NOW we're upset? Suddenly the media is saturating us with news about how AIG gave nearly $200 million in bonuses to its elite, and now we're filled with righteous rage? Why now? Is it because they took all those billions in stimulus dollars and swore on a stack of Bibles that THIS TIME they'd stop with the bonuses? Are we storming the Bastille here because that stimulus money they're handing out like Monopoly money was essentially our taxpayer dollars? Or, is it because your average American family is facing the prospects of foreclosures on their homes and layoffs at work?
Now? NOW we're upset??
Good.
I say it's high time we all got good and pissed off. Sure, this is a lame pretext to go all torches-and-pitchforks: I mean, $200 million? Whoop de friggin do. In the grand scheme of things, this is a DROP in the bucket, people. Even though $200 million is more than most of us will ever see in our lifetime, it still pales in comparison to the big picture. If anything, it just illustrates that we are dealing with people who are completely detached from reality. They think the rules do not apply to them. These are people who wear $1000 suits to work. These people have not brown-bagged a lunch since the third grade. These people have never had to sit at the kitchen table and draw names out of a hat to see which bills got paid. These people exist on an altogether different plane than the rest of us paycheck-to-paycheck riffraff. They do not see the big deal in taking millions in dollars in bonus money in addition to their already lucrative salaries. These people do not see what the big deal is, taking rewards while the companies they control hemorrhage money. These people have no moral misgivings about sending jobs overseas for the tax dodge. Their patriotism is eclipsed by their need for profitability. And whenever we question these practices, they hide behind their imaginary obligation to their investors and stockholders.
Let's also remind ourselves that AIG is an insurance company. Since when do insurance companies do the right thing? Do we really expect them to have a conscience all of a sudden? Think about your own dealings with insurance companies: if they owe you money, how prompt are they to pay you, generally? If anything, they will refuse to pay out, even when the policies state their obligations clearly. Then when they do pay out, they make their customer fill out reams of useless paperwork, all in the hopes that you'll forget to sign somewhere, forget to initial, fold something that isn't supposed to be folded, anything to give them a flimsy pretext to deny your claim, since you didn't do it right. How many people every year have to sue their own insurance companies just to get their fair share? You can bet they keep a cabal of lawyers on tap to steamroller you if you try. Taking on an insurance company is either very brave or very stupid, but most often it just very pointless.
So the insurance company AIG, in order to keep itself solvent, agreed to a laundry list of conditions to get their hands on a government bailout package. They pinky-swore that THIS TIME they'd do the right thing and be responsible with our money. They wouldn't be greedy little pigs anymore. And now they're failing to observe the terms of the deal by using that money (or at least part of it) to pay millions of dollars in bonuses out to their elite. Are we supposed to be shocked here?
Add to all this, the idea that they are somehow "too big to fail", and we have to consider the stockholders in all this. First - too big to fail? I am ALL for testing that theory. Perhaps letting them fail is exactly the cautionary tale the insurance industry needs to get them to realize the gravity of our situation. "Too big to fail", my ass. How about "too pompous and corrupt to exist"? If they fail, they fail. And as to the stocker holders? Well, seeing as how OUR tax dollars went to bail them out, and seeing as how without that bailout they'd be out of business, I'd say that makes the American Taxpayer a stockholder. It's our money they're using to stay afloat, that gives us a say in their future. So as a stockholder vis a vis my tax dollars, I say: screw you, AIG.
Welcome to my world, bitches.
Now? NOW we're upset??
Good.
I say it's high time we all got good and pissed off. Sure, this is a lame pretext to go all torches-and-pitchforks: I mean, $200 million? Whoop de friggin do. In the grand scheme of things, this is a DROP in the bucket, people. Even though $200 million is more than most of us will ever see in our lifetime, it still pales in comparison to the big picture. If anything, it just illustrates that we are dealing with people who are completely detached from reality. They think the rules do not apply to them. These are people who wear $1000 suits to work. These people have not brown-bagged a lunch since the third grade. These people have never had to sit at the kitchen table and draw names out of a hat to see which bills got paid. These people exist on an altogether different plane than the rest of us paycheck-to-paycheck riffraff. They do not see the big deal in taking millions in dollars in bonus money in addition to their already lucrative salaries. These people do not see what the big deal is, taking rewards while the companies they control hemorrhage money. These people have no moral misgivings about sending jobs overseas for the tax dodge. Their patriotism is eclipsed by their need for profitability. And whenever we question these practices, they hide behind their imaginary obligation to their investors and stockholders.
Let's also remind ourselves that AIG is an insurance company. Since when do insurance companies do the right thing? Do we really expect them to have a conscience all of a sudden? Think about your own dealings with insurance companies: if they owe you money, how prompt are they to pay you, generally? If anything, they will refuse to pay out, even when the policies state their obligations clearly. Then when they do pay out, they make their customer fill out reams of useless paperwork, all in the hopes that you'll forget to sign somewhere, forget to initial, fold something that isn't supposed to be folded, anything to give them a flimsy pretext to deny your claim, since you didn't do it right. How many people every year have to sue their own insurance companies just to get their fair share? You can bet they keep a cabal of lawyers on tap to steamroller you if you try. Taking on an insurance company is either very brave or very stupid, but most often it just very pointless.
So the insurance company AIG, in order to keep itself solvent, agreed to a laundry list of conditions to get their hands on a government bailout package. They pinky-swore that THIS TIME they'd do the right thing and be responsible with our money. They wouldn't be greedy little pigs anymore. And now they're failing to observe the terms of the deal by using that money (or at least part of it) to pay millions of dollars in bonuses out to their elite. Are we supposed to be shocked here?
Add to all this, the idea that they are somehow "too big to fail", and we have to consider the stockholders in all this. First - too big to fail? I am ALL for testing that theory. Perhaps letting them fail is exactly the cautionary tale the insurance industry needs to get them to realize the gravity of our situation. "Too big to fail", my ass. How about "too pompous and corrupt to exist"? If they fail, they fail. And as to the stocker holders? Well, seeing as how OUR tax dollars went to bail them out, and seeing as how without that bailout they'd be out of business, I'd say that makes the American Taxpayer a stockholder. It's our money they're using to stay afloat, that gives us a say in their future. So as a stockholder vis a vis my tax dollars, I say: screw you, AIG.
Welcome to my world, bitches.
Friday, February 27, 2009
To: Dick Morris, RE: shut the hell up already
You guys remember Dick Morris? This was a Republican politico that Bill Clinton took on as an advisor. Shrewd move on Bubba's part: in 1994 after HillaryCare crashed and burned, Republicans were worried about the Liberals taking over, and the war machine cranked into high gear. Led by Newt Gingrich, the Republicans took over Congress for the first time in decades. This crystalized the concept of checks and balances, and forced Bill Clinton to take on Mr. Morris as an advisor, to coach him in how to work with the Right Wing and still be productive. In 1996, Morris was scandalized for having a toe-sucking fest with a hooker. Clinton "asked him to resign", which in Washington translates into "handed him his hat and told him 'don't let the door hit your ass on the way out'."
Pause.
Now I think Bill Clinton was a great President, for reasons I have outlined in the past on this blog. I think he was the perfect antedote for the damage inflicted by Reagan and H.W. Bush. That said, the man was a horndog. I mean this guy, despite all the good he did, had a libido that would rival most rock stars. And sadly, a lot of the good he accomplished was since overshadowed by his diddling of an intern. Now with that in mind, when Bill Clinton tells you that you're too much of a sexual freak to work with him, that's bad. It's like being called a tree hugger by Al Gore. I mean, it's extreme. You'd think Clinton, with his mojo, would appreciate a fellow ladies' man, but what Dick Morris was into went beyond the pale, so much so that Clinton publicly had to distance himself. There's stories of how Bill nearly took a swing at him more than once, and in the years since it's easy to understand why.
Resume.
So now Morris makes a living among other things on Fox News, as a predictably anti-Democratic pundit. He is like their own personal Oscar the Grouch. He pops out of his can from time to time and spews some predictably negative venom twoards whatever Democrat they're discussing. This is a guy with zero training as a journalist, but he has a job on a news channel. Go figure.
My problem with Dick Morris is that he is so transparent. Of course he's anti-Democrat. He was outed as a whoremonger and humiliated when Clinton forced him to resign in disgrace. And rather than be apologetic, rather than seeking some obviously much-needed professional help, rather than showing any contrition whatsoever, he launched himself headlong into a career as an attack dog for whatever Right Wing outlet would cut him a check. He watched CSPAN and reads the papers and then opines on the news from a place of hurt feelings and kneecapped careers. He has made a career for himself by grinding his axe against the collective Left. The most pronounced item on Dick Morris' resume is the Herculian chip on his shoulder.
I'm less surprised at his mental state than I am at Fox's willingness to give him a soapbox. Fox (in vain) tries to promote itself as "fair and balanced", and then hands the microphone to this guy? I assume that to "balance" it out, they should give the microphone next to Noam Chomsky, Sean Penn, or some other "republicans are no damn good" mouthpiece. Just to even things out, you understand.
Morris is one of these guys champing at the bit to see Obama fail. His tiresome columns lament the passing of the torch to this America-hating socialist, and consistently predicts doom and gloom insofar as any of Obama's plans come to fruition. Morris is so single-mindedly dedicated to the notion that no good could ever come from a Democrat, I'm amazed anyone can listen to him and claim to have an open mind. I would find him amusing for his willingness to caricature himself as he does if it weren't for the fact that he seems to mean it, and he seems to think you should feel this way too. His writings are the worst sort of propoganda, aimed at hamstringing support for the President's efforts to repair the economy and the nation. Funny to me, since we just had eight years of Republican "leadership", and suddenly Dick Morris knows what we should do?
The point: Since Dick Morris seems to be teetering on the farthest edges of the right wing, we should all pay close attention to all of his ideas, all of his suggestions, all of his advice, and then immediately proceed to do the exact opposite. His pearls of wisdon read like the Republican Playbook since Bush stole, I mean won the election in 2000. And we see now in 2009 the dire straits our nation finds itself in as the result of these philosophies. It has been suggested that to do the same things over and over and expect different results is the very textbook definition of insanity. So now it is time for us to make a much overdue lurch towards sanity. It is time to abandon all things Republican, both in idea and action. It is time to tell Dick Morris to shut the hell up already.
By the way, we could just as easily substitute the same point for Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, et al.
Pause.
Now I think Bill Clinton was a great President, for reasons I have outlined in the past on this blog. I think he was the perfect antedote for the damage inflicted by Reagan and H.W. Bush. That said, the man was a horndog. I mean this guy, despite all the good he did, had a libido that would rival most rock stars. And sadly, a lot of the good he accomplished was since overshadowed by his diddling of an intern. Now with that in mind, when Bill Clinton tells you that you're too much of a sexual freak to work with him, that's bad. It's like being called a tree hugger by Al Gore. I mean, it's extreme. You'd think Clinton, with his mojo, would appreciate a fellow ladies' man, but what Dick Morris was into went beyond the pale, so much so that Clinton publicly had to distance himself. There's stories of how Bill nearly took a swing at him more than once, and in the years since it's easy to understand why.
Resume.
So now Morris makes a living among other things on Fox News, as a predictably anti-Democratic pundit. He is like their own personal Oscar the Grouch. He pops out of his can from time to time and spews some predictably negative venom twoards whatever Democrat they're discussing. This is a guy with zero training as a journalist, but he has a job on a news channel. Go figure.
My problem with Dick Morris is that he is so transparent. Of course he's anti-Democrat. He was outed as a whoremonger and humiliated when Clinton forced him to resign in disgrace. And rather than be apologetic, rather than seeking some obviously much-needed professional help, rather than showing any contrition whatsoever, he launched himself headlong into a career as an attack dog for whatever Right Wing outlet would cut him a check. He watched CSPAN and reads the papers and then opines on the news from a place of hurt feelings and kneecapped careers. He has made a career for himself by grinding his axe against the collective Left. The most pronounced item on Dick Morris' resume is the Herculian chip on his shoulder.
I'm less surprised at his mental state than I am at Fox's willingness to give him a soapbox. Fox (in vain) tries to promote itself as "fair and balanced", and then hands the microphone to this guy? I assume that to "balance" it out, they should give the microphone next to Noam Chomsky, Sean Penn, or some other "republicans are no damn good" mouthpiece. Just to even things out, you understand.
Morris is one of these guys champing at the bit to see Obama fail. His tiresome columns lament the passing of the torch to this America-hating socialist, and consistently predicts doom and gloom insofar as any of Obama's plans come to fruition. Morris is so single-mindedly dedicated to the notion that no good could ever come from a Democrat, I'm amazed anyone can listen to him and claim to have an open mind. I would find him amusing for his willingness to caricature himself as he does if it weren't for the fact that he seems to mean it, and he seems to think you should feel this way too. His writings are the worst sort of propoganda, aimed at hamstringing support for the President's efforts to repair the economy and the nation. Funny to me, since we just had eight years of Republican "leadership", and suddenly Dick Morris knows what we should do?
The point: Since Dick Morris seems to be teetering on the farthest edges of the right wing, we should all pay close attention to all of his ideas, all of his suggestions, all of his advice, and then immediately proceed to do the exact opposite. His pearls of wisdon read like the Republican Playbook since Bush stole, I mean won the election in 2000. And we see now in 2009 the dire straits our nation finds itself in as the result of these philosophies. It has been suggested that to do the same things over and over and expect different results is the very textbook definition of insanity. So now it is time for us to make a much overdue lurch towards sanity. It is time to abandon all things Republican, both in idea and action. It is time to tell Dick Morris to shut the hell up already.
By the way, we could just as easily substitute the same point for Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, et al.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Time to Catch Up With Current Events!
Greetings, loyal minions! Sorry for yet another absence. It seems like ever since the politicial season of 2008, I've been suffering from Bloggers Burnout. It's not that I'm lacking opinions, or that I no longer wish to share them. I'm just as opinionated and just as much of an attention whore as ever, so let's catch up, shall we?
Michael Phelps: So this bah-zillion time Olympic medal winner was caught taking a bong hit. Well, he's a young man, and young men do dumb things. It's kind of a rule. Not to say that smoking pot is dumb - you can make up your own minds about that. What was stupid was the fact that he let someone take a picture of him doing it.
So now Kellogg's and probably others are pulling their endorsement deals. I think he should seek endorsement deals with Domino's: in my smoking days I probably put some of those delivery guys through college. I can see it now - Phelps goes off camera, we hear the gurgle of a bong hit, see a plume of smoke, and he re-enters the shot with squinty bloodshot eyes and says "God, I could really go for a pizza!" Fade to the Domino's logo, and a voiceover saying "Dominos - pizza of Champions".
All that aside, my biggest complaint with the whole Michael-Phelps-hitting-the-bong thing is the people whining about how he's supposed to be a "role model". Oh please - shut the hell up. Role model? For who? The guy won like 14 Olympic gold medal, shattered records all over the place, and you're disappointed? Talk about a tough crowd. I'm reminded of something George Carlin wrote in "Brain Droppings": "if your kid needs a role model, and you aren't it, you're both f*cked." There's a lot of truth there. If you look to sports stars, even Olympic ones, or religious leaders, or politicians, or any public figure and anoint them with the title of "role model", you are setting yourself up for a fall. Everyone disappoints. Parents, clergy, teachers, friends, they're all human. None can live up to a flawless and consistent ideal. We all have bad days, weak moments, character defects, and if someone is naive enough to hitch their wagon to you, thinking you're going to lead them down the Path, they're going to be let down. To the parents of the young people: why aren't YOU your kids' role models? Why did you abdicate that responsibility to a stranger? Take the lead, and be the role model your kid needs. Otherwise, please please PLEASE shut the hell up.
More to come, I promise.
Michael Phelps: So this bah-zillion time Olympic medal winner was caught taking a bong hit. Well, he's a young man, and young men do dumb things. It's kind of a rule. Not to say that smoking pot is dumb - you can make up your own minds about that. What was stupid was the fact that he let someone take a picture of him doing it.
So now Kellogg's and probably others are pulling their endorsement deals. I think he should seek endorsement deals with Domino's: in my smoking days I probably put some of those delivery guys through college. I can see it now - Phelps goes off camera, we hear the gurgle of a bong hit, see a plume of smoke, and he re-enters the shot with squinty bloodshot eyes and says "God, I could really go for a pizza!" Fade to the Domino's logo, and a voiceover saying "Dominos - pizza of Champions".
All that aside, my biggest complaint with the whole Michael-Phelps-hitting-the-bong thing is the people whining about how he's supposed to be a "role model". Oh please - shut the hell up. Role model? For who? The guy won like 14 Olympic gold medal, shattered records all over the place, and you're disappointed? Talk about a tough crowd. I'm reminded of something George Carlin wrote in "Brain Droppings": "if your kid needs a role model, and you aren't it, you're both f*cked." There's a lot of truth there. If you look to sports stars, even Olympic ones, or religious leaders, or politicians, or any public figure and anoint them with the title of "role model", you are setting yourself up for a fall. Everyone disappoints. Parents, clergy, teachers, friends, they're all human. None can live up to a flawless and consistent ideal. We all have bad days, weak moments, character defects, and if someone is naive enough to hitch their wagon to you, thinking you're going to lead them down the Path, they're going to be let down. To the parents of the young people: why aren't YOU your kids' role models? Why did you abdicate that responsibility to a stranger? Take the lead, and be the role model your kid needs. Otherwise, please please PLEASE shut the hell up.
More to come, I promise.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Final Thoughts on Christmas
Tomorrow night we ring in 2009, and I for one will be glad to be rid of 2008 once and for all. This new year will see, if nothing else, the exit of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney from any relevant political landscape. That alone makes 2009 worth looking forward to, in my opinion.
Like many of you, I have just finished up the Christmas celebrations. True, the tree still stands in my living room, in front of the window to declare to all passers-by, "hey out there! We're celebrating Christmas in here!" The stockings are still hung, and by all accounts the holiday season is still in full swing. But yesterday as I hauled the trash cans to the curb, bursting with wadded up wrapping paper, I felt a sense of closure. It's like when all the sporting events end at the Olympics, but they still have yet to do the closing ceremonies. For me, that will be tomorrow night. After January 1st, we collectively run out of excuses for slacking off - Christmas is over, Hanukkah's done, I'm pretty sure Kwanzaa is over, and the Solstice has come and gone.
Which brings me to a confession: I'm not a Christian. Neither is my wife. We were both raised Christian, in the Protestant stick-up-the-ass way north easterners have done since the Puritans showed up way back forever ago. We don't go to church, we don't believe in the divinity of Christ, and even if we did, we know there's no way Jesus could have been born at this time of year. Think about it - "Shepherds were watching over their flocks by night." In a field? In Israel? Not to bust your bubble, but it gets pretty damn nippy out Bethlehem ways this time of year, and it did 2000 years ago too. At night, this time of year the sheep were in their pens huddled for warmth.
I could go on, picking at all the loose threads in the Nativity account, graduating to the Bible in general, and then into Church thinking for the past few centuries. In the end, we are left with a simple premise: it doesn't matter if you can prove a belief system true or untrue. Jesus could show up tomorrow in all his Second Coming finery and there would still be doubters. Early versions of the Bible could be dug up with a final book called The Gospel According to Just Kidding, and there would still be staunch believers. Debating the absolute validity or lack thereof is a pointless exercise.
So why, with all my cynicism towards Christianity, do I choose to join in their celebration December 25Th? Well not to put too fine a point on it, but it was never "their" celebration to begin with. It's well known that early Christians nicked the Solstice celebration from the Celts and injected Jesus in a manger. The Winter Solstice marks the shortest day of the year, and the longest night. It was traditionally celebrated with lots and lots of candlelight for obvious reasons, but moreover it was celebrated because even back then, they were able to pinpoint the time of year when the days started getting longer - the first step to spring. Sure, there's going to be a few more weeks of scraping the ice of your windshield for my relatives back east (neener neener) but the mere fact that this ass-bitingly cold day lasted a few minutes longer than yesterday's ass-bitingly cold day tells us there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope springs eternal.
And this is what we celebrate here at the Nutty Irishman's humble adobe. New life, the promise of spring, even the most subtle whisper that winter's days are numbered. And as we enter a new year, with a new President poised to take over it is indeed a time to celebrate the promise of new life and change. As we collectively say goodbye to eight years of bleak ideological winter for all thinking people and lovers of peace, we welcome the spring back into sanity, returning once again to peace and intelligent discourse.
Happy Christmas to you all.
Like many of you, I have just finished up the Christmas celebrations. True, the tree still stands in my living room, in front of the window to declare to all passers-by, "hey out there! We're celebrating Christmas in here!" The stockings are still hung, and by all accounts the holiday season is still in full swing. But yesterday as I hauled the trash cans to the curb, bursting with wadded up wrapping paper, I felt a sense of closure. It's like when all the sporting events end at the Olympics, but they still have yet to do the closing ceremonies. For me, that will be tomorrow night. After January 1st, we collectively run out of excuses for slacking off - Christmas is over, Hanukkah's done, I'm pretty sure Kwanzaa is over, and the Solstice has come and gone.
Which brings me to a confession: I'm not a Christian. Neither is my wife. We were both raised Christian, in the Protestant stick-up-the-ass way north easterners have done since the Puritans showed up way back forever ago. We don't go to church, we don't believe in the divinity of Christ, and even if we did, we know there's no way Jesus could have been born at this time of year. Think about it - "Shepherds were watching over their flocks by night." In a field? In Israel? Not to bust your bubble, but it gets pretty damn nippy out Bethlehem ways this time of year, and it did 2000 years ago too. At night, this time of year the sheep were in their pens huddled for warmth.
I could go on, picking at all the loose threads in the Nativity account, graduating to the Bible in general, and then into Church thinking for the past few centuries. In the end, we are left with a simple premise: it doesn't matter if you can prove a belief system true or untrue. Jesus could show up tomorrow in all his Second Coming finery and there would still be doubters. Early versions of the Bible could be dug up with a final book called The Gospel According to Just Kidding, and there would still be staunch believers. Debating the absolute validity or lack thereof is a pointless exercise.
So why, with all my cynicism towards Christianity, do I choose to join in their celebration December 25Th? Well not to put too fine a point on it, but it was never "their" celebration to begin with. It's well known that early Christians nicked the Solstice celebration from the Celts and injected Jesus in a manger. The Winter Solstice marks the shortest day of the year, and the longest night. It was traditionally celebrated with lots and lots of candlelight for obvious reasons, but moreover it was celebrated because even back then, they were able to pinpoint the time of year when the days started getting longer - the first step to spring. Sure, there's going to be a few more weeks of scraping the ice of your windshield for my relatives back east (neener neener) but the mere fact that this ass-bitingly cold day lasted a few minutes longer than yesterday's ass-bitingly cold day tells us there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Hope springs eternal.
And this is what we celebrate here at the Nutty Irishman's humble adobe. New life, the promise of spring, even the most subtle whisper that winter's days are numbered. And as we enter a new year, with a new President poised to take over it is indeed a time to celebrate the promise of new life and change. As we collectively say goodbye to eight years of bleak ideological winter for all thinking people and lovers of peace, we welcome the spring back into sanity, returning once again to peace and intelligent discourse.
Happy Christmas to you all.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Doomed from the Start?
I sincerely hope not.
President-elect Obama has had more face time with the press than the actual President over the last two weeks. Bush set new records for most vacation time ever taken by a President. So now that we're basically just watching clock waiting for him to be on permanent vacation, he raises the bar on Lame Duckery. Honestly, does he know we're still paying his salary? It seems like between Bush abdicating his duties as President and Obama officially restrained from doing anything, we are a nation without a president.
It's just as well, as far as I'm concerned. A nation with no President at all is infinitely better than a nation with George W. Bush in charge. I've made no secret of my opinions here. I believe George W. Bush's presidency to be the worst thing to happen to our nation since the assassination of John Kennedy. Worse than 9/11, worse than Vietnam, worse than Watergate. Every day we inch towards the post-Bush era I breathe a little easier and become a little more optimistic about our nation's future.
So when it comes to President-Elect Obama, I cannot help but be optimistic. Bush lowered expectations across the board, and we not only tolerated it, we re-elected him. I have a theory that in years to come historians will refer to this as the Era of Mediocrity. We allowed ourselves to be led by a C-student, and we totally abandoned our quest for excellence as a nation. In doing so, we now have an economy that is circling the drain. We have a list of nations that hate us far outnumbering our allies. We have debt unimagined. We are, as a nation guilty of war crimes so multiple and egregious that we may never be the Good Guys again. We have collectively gone rogue from our own founding principles of liberty and freedom, let alone prosperity.
All Obama has to do to achieve greatness in the wake of the Bush Years is not screw up any worse. And screwing up worse than Bush did would require a lethal combination of creativity and psychosis. Obama, it seems, is only creative. Alas.
The thing is, Obama is getting roundly criticized by the Collective Right Wing Peanut Gallery (CRWPG), the same group that managed to stick its fingers in their ears for the past eight years and drown out any valid criticisms of Bush. Watching Fox News handle Bush's many blunders essentially boiled down to "LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA". Anyone not willing to swallow the Kool-Aid was deemed to be part of the liberal media conspiracy. Watching Fox News was like the cop waving people past a scene of carnage and assuring us "move along, people - nothing to see here".
These same "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" acolytes have uncorked their collective suspicion and turned it to a man who isn't even in charge yet. Believe me when I tell you there is already a website called ImpeachObama.com - weeks before he's had a chance to do anything remotely impeachable. Now, I can appreciate cynicism and I've often confused pessimism with being realistic, but this is too much. The more Obama's people talk about hope, the less his opponents seem to have.
In terms of Obama's cabinet picks, he gets criticism in both fresh faces he chooses (inexperienced newbies bound to screw up with rookie mistakes) and the more experienced people he picks (corrupt insiders that prove Obama never really meant to bring change anyhow). When Obama chose L.A.'s mayor Villaraigosa to be a part of his economic advisory team, people who already didn't like the Mayor said that this was proof that Obama was out to destroy our nation's economy. I saw it as a validation of Villaraigosa's job as mayor.
The point: There's always two ways to look at things, and in the case of President-elect Obama, I say this: the guy isn't even running things yet. He hasn't signed one bill into law. He hasn't addressed Congress or the American People as their President. He is using the time after the election to get his act together so that once he take the Oath of Office he can get to work immediately. And perhaps, just perhaps, we ought to suspend criticism of him until he's actually done something as President.
President-elect Obama has had more face time with the press than the actual President over the last two weeks. Bush set new records for most vacation time ever taken by a President. So now that we're basically just watching clock waiting for him to be on permanent vacation, he raises the bar on Lame Duckery. Honestly, does he know we're still paying his salary? It seems like between Bush abdicating his duties as President and Obama officially restrained from doing anything, we are a nation without a president.
It's just as well, as far as I'm concerned. A nation with no President at all is infinitely better than a nation with George W. Bush in charge. I've made no secret of my opinions here. I believe George W. Bush's presidency to be the worst thing to happen to our nation since the assassination of John Kennedy. Worse than 9/11, worse than Vietnam, worse than Watergate. Every day we inch towards the post-Bush era I breathe a little easier and become a little more optimistic about our nation's future.
So when it comes to President-Elect Obama, I cannot help but be optimistic. Bush lowered expectations across the board, and we not only tolerated it, we re-elected him. I have a theory that in years to come historians will refer to this as the Era of Mediocrity. We allowed ourselves to be led by a C-student, and we totally abandoned our quest for excellence as a nation. In doing so, we now have an economy that is circling the drain. We have a list of nations that hate us far outnumbering our allies. We have debt unimagined. We are, as a nation guilty of war crimes so multiple and egregious that we may never be the Good Guys again. We have collectively gone rogue from our own founding principles of liberty and freedom, let alone prosperity.
All Obama has to do to achieve greatness in the wake of the Bush Years is not screw up any worse. And screwing up worse than Bush did would require a lethal combination of creativity and psychosis. Obama, it seems, is only creative. Alas.
The thing is, Obama is getting roundly criticized by the Collective Right Wing Peanut Gallery (CRWPG), the same group that managed to stick its fingers in their ears for the past eight years and drown out any valid criticisms of Bush. Watching Fox News handle Bush's many blunders essentially boiled down to "LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA". Anyone not willing to swallow the Kool-Aid was deemed to be part of the liberal media conspiracy. Watching Fox News was like the cop waving people past a scene of carnage and assuring us "move along, people - nothing to see here".
These same "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" acolytes have uncorked their collective suspicion and turned it to a man who isn't even in charge yet. Believe me when I tell you there is already a website called ImpeachObama.com - weeks before he's had a chance to do anything remotely impeachable. Now, I can appreciate cynicism and I've often confused pessimism with being realistic, but this is too much. The more Obama's people talk about hope, the less his opponents seem to have.
In terms of Obama's cabinet picks, he gets criticism in both fresh faces he chooses (inexperienced newbies bound to screw up with rookie mistakes) and the more experienced people he picks (corrupt insiders that prove Obama never really meant to bring change anyhow). When Obama chose L.A.'s mayor Villaraigosa to be a part of his economic advisory team, people who already didn't like the Mayor said that this was proof that Obama was out to destroy our nation's economy. I saw it as a validation of Villaraigosa's job as mayor.
The point: There's always two ways to look at things, and in the case of President-elect Obama, I say this: the guy isn't even running things yet. He hasn't signed one bill into law. He hasn't addressed Congress or the American People as their President. He is using the time after the election to get his act together so that once he take the Oath of Office he can get to work immediately. And perhaps, just perhaps, we ought to suspend criticism of him until he's actually done something as President.
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