Freaking Out Neocons 101

Ding Dong, the witch is dead.

With Romney out, this leaves John McCain as the heir apparent to the Republican presidential nomination. Wring your hands all you want about Huckabee, fantasize all you want about a Superbowl-style come-from-behind victory for Ron Paul - they're fantasies. The reality is, come November, if you cast your vote for a Republican president, it will be John McCain.

Personally, I'll be voting Democrat, which allows me the opportunity to be objective about the Republican race. Simply put, it doesn't matter to me who wins the Republican nomination. But the fact that McCain is now basically running unopposed makes me smile, in only a slightly smug way.

Hearing Ann Coulter threaten to campaign for Hillary Clinton before she'd vote for John McCain tosses a surreal glaze over the whole proceeding. Does it get any better than this? The neoconservatives in the Republican party hate McCain. They think he's a sellout because he's dared to co-author legislation with the dreaded liberals. They think he's soft on immigration. They still haven't gotten over the whole campaign finance, which makes sense when you consider that Republicans were used to getting a lot of their election funds from the same big businesses that sent your jobs overseas and left you with nothing more than a lot of pollution. They are so upset over the idea that they might have to collectively hold their noses and vote for McCain in November, they don't kow what to do with themselves.

Here's some advice to the neocons:

• Recognize that your day is done.- Step aside gracefully and acknowledge that the candidates you championed in 2000 and 2002 have made a royal mess of things.
• Acknowledge that more Americans disagree with you than agree.
• Realize that now it's time for the other side to clean up the mess you've made of things (again).
• While you're not in charge for the next few years, collectively go back to the drawing board and re-examine your platform. Figure out where you went wrong.
• Appoint leaders that are more concerned with meeting America's needs in the 21st century than they are with reincarnating Ronald Reagan (who was, I'm sorry to say, not as great as you remember).
• Retreat, regroup, and come at us in 2012 with fresh ideas.
• A word to the wise: forget gay marriage and flag burning.
• Don't try to talk us into wars. We've had it with war.
• Make your goals fiscal responsibility and limited government.
• Abandon your quest for world domination, and forswear the police state you've tried to create.
• Admit, just admit, that mexicans are not our enemies.
• Recognize that it should be more important to make sure our citizens have healthcare than it is to conquer enemies abroad.

Do these things and we'll see about giving you back power. In the meantime, it's going to be McCain, Clinton, or Obama.

Deal with it.